


Rewrites and Losses

by DoomedKelpie



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Crying, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Ducking Out, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 11,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27790522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomedKelpie/pseuds/DoomedKelpie
Summary: Janus has amnesia and doesn’t remember being Deceit. Is this for the best?
Comments: 134
Kudos: 178





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just have a lot of ideas for Sanders Sides fics…
> 
> And here’s another one. 
> 
> Chapters for this fic are mostly gonna be a bit shorter than mine usually are, so heads up. I’m pretty much splitting it up by individual scenes instead of chunks.

He reappeared in his bedroom, relieved to finally be alone again. Or, sort of relieved. Being alone almost all the time was probably part of his problem, but at the moment, he didn’t want to see  _ anyone _ . 

He was getting so  _ tired _ of this. He tried again and again and  _ again _ , but no one ever just  _ listened _ to him. It didn’t matter whether his ideas were right or wrong- because to them,  _ he _ was wrong. Even if they agreed with him, they’d go  _ against _ themselves, against their own wishes, just to avoid following along with his ‘evil’ plans.

His evil plans. What a joke.

Despite what the others  _ thought _ , he had never concocted an actually  _ evil _ plan in his life. All he wanted to do was help Thomas, and  _ yes _ , that meant trying to convince Thomas to be selfish sometimes, but who  _ wasn’t _ selfish on occasion? Thomas wasn’t a saint, and it’s not like the others were either. Hell, they were just as selfish as he was. So why was everything he did  _ evil _ , then? Because he represents Deceit? Roman represents ego,  _ pride _ , and they never declared  _ him _ to be evil. No, no matter  _ what _ Roman did, even if it was mean and selfish and hurtful, he was still  _ good _ , still a perfect little Light Side and a perfect little prince. But even if he was trying to be kind or helpful, he was still  _ bad _ , still  _ evil _ . 

Yes, he was evil, and it was all because Morality couldn’t manage to be the slightest bit  _ flexible _ . No, everything Morality thought and did was correct and good because he was  _ Morality _ . Because it’s not like some morals were  _ immoral _ , or anything. Not like Thomas had flawed morals sometimes from the start. 

Which didn’t make Thomas a bad person, not the way Morality seemed to think it did. Everyone did or said or thought things that were wrong sometimes. And in a lot of cases, people didn’t even agree on right or wrong in the first place. In a world like that, it’s impossible to never hurt or disagree with  _ anyone _ because even the act of agreeing with one person’s morals goes against another’s. But even for things that were generally thought as being wrong, or that  _ Thomas _ believed to be wrong, Thomas still wasn’t a bad person for slipping up sometimes. Sometimes he made mistakes, just like everyone else. Hell, sometimes it was a choice between bad and worse, not right or wrong, anyway. Other times, no one really got hurt, so what  _ really _ made the action wrong anyway?

But, well, apparently lying was wrong, always wrong. Apparently there wasn’t a single difference between lying to save a life and lying to end it, or lying to help and lying to harm. Lies were bad, so those who lied were bad, and those who  _ embodied _ lies, embodied  _ Deceit, _ must  _ certainly _ be bad too.

It seemed like the others liked to conveniently forget that he was more than just Deceit. He was also self-interest, self-care, and to an extent, self-preservation and Survival. 

Once, that had been his main function, back before parts of it were transferred to the others and he also gained the traits of deception and lies. Back when Morality was just Heart, and Thomas didn’t have a concrete set of morals just yet. Back before Creativity split, and back before Anxiety was even created. Back before Thomas really  _ needed _ deception to survive.

Back then, the others called him Survival. 

And now, maybe they’ll call him that again. 

Because he didn’t need to be  _ Deceit _ to fulfill all his roles, not even to lie.

And lying to yourself might be the most difficult kind of lie, but…

He was Deceit after all, Lord of the Lies.

Though, not for much longer...


	2. Chapter 2

Janus woke up early in the morning, incredibly confused. He felt like he had been sleeping for a long time. And sure enough, when he got up to stretch his arms, he realized that he was a lot farther away from the ground than he remembered. His arms looked a lot longer, too, now that he got a good look at them. And what was he  _ wearing _ ? His clothes were mostly black, with yellow trim, and he had a weird little cape thing. He was wearing yellow gloves too.

Silently, he convinced himself to stay calm, at least until he had some more information. He appeared to be in his room, and his room was a safe place. He had to stay calm so he could figure out what was happening. Acting without information wouldn’t be safe.

And so, with that in mind and a confused frown, Janus walked over to his mirror, though it was in a different place than he remembered, and it looked different too. As soon as he looked into the mirror’s reflective surface, he came to a realization.

“Oh, wow, I’m  _ older! _ ” he exclaimed in surprise. “Oh, my voice is deeper, too. That’s weird. I wonder if it’s just me, or if the others are like this too… It can’t  _ possibly  _ have been that long that I’ve been asleep. Or Thomas probably still wouldn’t be around, and then  _ I _ wouldn’t still be around... And I wonder where the scales came from. Maybe Creativity turned me into a dragon or something...”

He paused.

“Hm. I think I know a lot more stuff than before too… That’s really weird...,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “Oh, well. I’m sure the others will know what’s going on. 

Yes, the others would surely have an explanation for what was happening, and they would know how to fix whatever it was. He was safe. Everything would be fine.

Before turning away from the mirror, he took off the gloves and snapped his fingers, replacing the strange outfit with something a bit more familiar. Now, he was wearing a pale yellow t-shirt covered in stars and some black jeans. It wasn’t  _ exactly _ the same as the outfit he was used to wearing, but he liked it. 

And with that, Janus left his room and made his way to the kitchen. Judging by the time, it was still early morning, but Heart would probably be up soon. He did always like to get up early.

While he waited, he took out a cup and poured some juice in it. It took him a couple tries to find the right cabinet because everything had been moved since he could last remember. Once he finally found the cups, though, he quickly realized that being older made it a lot easier to get juice. The bottle didn’t seem so big anymore, and he didn’t need a stepping stool to reach the counter now. 

After successfully acquiring his apple juice, Janus sat at the table in the kitchen, waiting for the others to show up.

Just as he had expected, it wasn’t long before one of the other sides came into the kitchen. They were older, too, but they looked like Heart. 

“Ah, Heart!” Janus said, standing from the table. “Something really weird happened! See, I’m older now, and you’re older too! What’s going on?”

He saw Heart freeze, staring at him, and he assumed it must be because Heart was surprised to see what he looked like at the moment.

“...Uh… Kiddo, if… if this is some kind of joke, I don’t think I’m getting it,” Heart told him.

“Joke? How would this be a joke?” Janus replied, confused. “You can  _ see _ that we’re older, right? I just woke up like this, and I don’t know what’s going on.”

Heart blinked at him.

“You… just woke up like what?”

“ _ Older! _ ” Janus answered, starting to get annoyed that Heart didn’t seem to be noticing the obvious. 

Well, Heart could be a bit dense sometimes. 

“I don’t… What do you mean,  _ older _ ?” Heart questioned, his head tilted. “I mean, we saw you  _ yesterday _ , kiddo? You’re not really much older now than you were then.”

_ What? _

“No, we’re a  _ lot _ older than yesterday!” he insisted. “Thomas is only 7 right now, so why are we adults?!”

This time, heart stared at him for a long while before saying anything.

“Seven…? Janus, Thomas is 31…,” Heart told him. “Uh… are you sick or something…?”

And then Heart reached toward him to place a hand on his forehead, but Janus flinched back.

“How- How do you,” he stumbled. “How do you know my name?! I never told it to any of you!”

Something was  _ wrong _ here, a lot more wrong than he had thought. Heart just gave him another perplexed look- and  _ why did he know words like perplexed?! _

“Um, you told us? After the wedding…?” Heart explained.

“ _ What _ wedding?!”

Oh no.  _ Oh no _ . What was  _ happening _ ?

“You… You really don’t remember…?” Heart asked him.

“Remember.  _ What?! _ ” Janus yelled. “I don’t know what’s going on! I just fell asleep and then I woke up! What am I  _ supposed _ to remember?!”

“Okay, okay, just try to calm down, kiddo…,” suggested the other side. “Uh… I think I should probably get the others…”

“No need. What’re you up to now, you slimey snake?”

Janus looked toward the kitchen doorway and saw one of the other sides standing there. Except it  _ couldn’t _ be one of the other sides. Janus didn’t recognize him. There was no way he was Thoughts, and the side didn’t look like Creativity, either. Well, he did look a  _ bit _ like Creativity, but not enough.

“Who… Who are  _ you?”  _ Janus asked, taking a step back at the other side’s angry expression.

This question only served to make the other side angry, though, as he stalked into the room. Now afraid, Janus turned toward Heart.

“Heart, seriously, what’s going on?!” he asked, panicked. “Who is this?!”

Heart put his hands up in a placating gesture. 

“Hey, hey, maybe we should just sit down and talk, okay?” he suggested. “I think it’s clear that something’s wrong, so let’s just hold off on the anger for now.”

“Or he’s just trying to  _ trick _ us again.”

“Well, if he is, I’m sure we’ll figure it out, Roman,” said Heart. “But for now, could you go wake up Virgil and Logan?”

This other side,  _ Roman _ , let out a huff, crossing his arms.

“ _ Fine _ ,” he agreed before turning toward Janus. “But if you do anything, I swear you’ll regret it. Got that, Fibber on the Roof?”

Janus quickly nodded, feeling that disagreeing would possibly lead to getting hurt. And well, Survival wouldn’t be very good at surviving if he wasn’t cautious.

And then the angry side left the kitchen, presumably to get Logan and Virgil, whoever they were. Were those Thoughts’s and Creativity’s names, maybe? Not knowing, Janus turned to Heart again.

“Heart, who  _ was _ that?” Janus asked once more. “I’m  _ really _ getting freaked out here.”

But Heart didn’t give him any answers. He just looked at him with a confused expression again and told him to wait for the others.


	3. Chapter 3

Eventually, Roman returned, bringing two other sides with him. One was a somewhat-scary-looking man wearing a purple hoodie, and the other, thankfully, was Thoughts.

“Thoughts!” Janus exclaimed. “I’m glad you’re here! You always know what’s going on!”

For now, he set aside the fact that he still didn’t know where Creativity was because he was just so glad to see  _ two _ familiar faces. And Thoughts always did have all the answers when he didn’t understand something. Surely, he could explain this. 

And then he heard the purple-clothed side let out a hiss, and his fear was back. 

“What the  _ hell _ are you doing here, Deceit?” the side growled. “It’s too early for your games.”

Janus shifted to hide behind Heart a bit, though that didn’t really help much since they were the same height. As he did so, he saw Heart’s face shift to be a little softer as his confusion mixed with concern. 

“Uh, well, we seem to have a problem here, kiddos,” Heart told them. “Um. Janus, maybe tell us what you think is happening?”

Janus glanced between all of the sides’ faces. Roman and the purple one, Virgil probably, looked angry, Thoughts’s face was blank, and Heart was giving him a look of encouragement.

“Um… Well, I woke up, and suddenly I was older and stuff, and then I decided to wait in the kitchen for someone to wake up and Heart came into the kitchen,” he explained. “And then Roman came in and got mad, but I don’t know who he is. Or who the purple hissing guy is. Um. And where’s Creativity?”

“What do you mean?  _ I’m _ Creativity!” Roman shouted, clearly offended.

At this, Janus tilted his head in confusion. 

“No… No, you’re not. You don’t look like him,” Janus stated.

“Um. Janus said that when he went to sleep, uh…,” Heart chimed in. “He said that Thomas was 7.”

“Because he  _ was _ ,” Janus insisted. 

“... Janus, does the name Deceit mean anything to you?” Thoughts asked him. 

“Uh, no? Is that Mr. Purple?”

At his question, said purple side gave him a glare. 

“I see. And you think Patton is Heart, that I’m Thoughts, and that Roman  _ isn’t _ creativity,” Thoughts mused. “What do you think  _ your _ function as a side is, then?”

“Uuuum. I’m Survival?” Janus told him in confusion. “You know that already.”

They stared at him.

“Well, I might have an idea of what’s happening,” Thoughts stated with a sigh.

Janus felt his spirits lift. He knew Thoughts would be able to explain it!

“It seems that Deceit has amnesia,” thoughts explained. “He doesn’t seem to have any memory from before his main function shifted.”

“Shifted?” Janus spoke questioningly.

“... Again…?”

Janus turned to Heart, who now had an expression he couldn’t quite interpret.

“Okay, hold up,” said Roman. “You’re trying to tell me that old Lord of the Lies over there has amnesia, and that this isn’t the first time?”

“Yes,” confirmed Thoughts. “Shortly before You and Remus split, and before Virgil formed, Janus’s function shifted. Originally, he represented Survival, but some of his functions started being transferred to Patton and I. A lot of them went into forming Virgil, actually. Then, he gained the trait of lies and became Deceit.”

“We were never able to figure out why,” Patton added. “Whenever the rest of us shifted function, we didn’t lose our memories, except for when Creativity split, I guess… But when Survival became Deceit, it was like he just became a whole other person.”

“Yes, at first we weren’t even sure that they were the same side.”

Janus’s mind was reeling. Amnesia? His function shifted? Creativity split? He had so many questions, and he wanted to ask them, but he was prevented from doing so by a scoff from the purple side.

“Sure, like I’ll believe that,” he laughed bitterly. “You guys know he’s probably just acting, right?  _ Deceiving _ you? It’s kind of his thing.”

“... I don’t know, Virgil…,” Heart denied. “I… You weren’t there when it happened. I don’t think even Janus would have been able to maintain a lie like that for over two decades.”

At this, it was Virgil’s turn to cross his arms. 

“Whatever. I still don’t trust him.”

And then Virgil stormed out of the room, leaving an awkward, heavy silence to fall over the group. It enveloped them for a minute before Janus decided to speak up.

“... So… Is King just… gone…?”

Hearing his upset tone, Heart started waving his hands.

“No, no! He’s not gone!” the other side denied. “He’s still here, just… now he’s two people. Roman and Remus.”

“But you said he lost his memories! And you said losing  _ my _ memories made me into a different person!” Janus argued. “So, how is he  _ not gone?” _

“Well…”

“Regardless of whether they’re the same person or not, the reality is that Roman is Creativity now,” Logan contributed. “Or, half of it. He’s in charge of Light Creativity, and Remus is in charge of Dark Creativity.”

“And I’m not Heart anymore. I’m Morality now, and my name’s Patton,” Heart,  _ Morality _ , introduced himself. “I figured you should know my name since I know yours.”

_ Morality? _

“And I am currently Logic, or Logan,”  _ Logic _ continued. “The one who just left is Virgil. He represents Anxiety.”

_ Logic?  _

... _ Anxiety? _

“And, well, you’re Deceit now. Or at least, you were,” Logic told him. “I’m unsure whether this development is because your function shifted back to Survival or not. Though, if it did, I don’t know what caused the shift, or what that means for Thomas.”

“...”

“It’s okay, Janus, we’ll, um… figure this out, I guess?” Morality attempted to comfort him.

“What’s there to fix?” Roman asked. “If he’s Survival now, isn’t that better for Thomas?”

“Roman!”

“What? It’s not like you like Deceit, either!” Roman retorted. “Remus and I hadn’t split yet when he was Survival, but you certainly seem to like him better.”

“I…”

Janus wasn’t sure how to feel about this. So, he had amnesia, and apparently, his friends didn’t like him anymore? Why didn’t they like him anymore? And was this new Creativity right? Was he better off now that he was back, even if he had missed the last 24 years? At least he seemed to have kept his knowledge from that time, even if his memories were gone.

“We’ll just have to see how this goes,” Logic told them. “If this lasts longer than a few days, however, we’ll have to inform Thomas.”


	4. Chapter 4

“...Wait. So, Deceit isn’t  _ Deceit _ anymore?” Thomas questioned.

“Not currently, it seems.”

“That’s… okay… um…,” Thomas stumbled. “Well, it’s great to meet you, then, um. Survival.”

“Hello,” Janus returned the greeting. “Um. It’s been a while?”

Janus could tell that Thomas was uncomfortable. He understood the sentiment.

“So, you really don’t remember  _ anything _ from when you were Deceit?” Thomas asked for confirmation. “This… this isn’t a joke, right?”

“No, it isn’t.”

“But I can still lie,” Thomas pointed out. 

“Yes, it seems that he still represents Deceit, though it may have become a less dominant trait,” Logic responded.

“And no one else’s function has shifted. Virgil still has control over fight and flight,” Morality added. 

“So, he’s really just Deceit but with no memories from after I was 7…?

“More or less.”

Janus mentally sighed. He’d noticed that the others had developed a habit of talking about him as if he wasn’t standing right there. Which was annoying. But maybe he wasn’t really there. At least, the person they were talking about wasn’t. 

“Uhhh, wow, okay. This is really weird,” Thomas groaned. “Sorry. Just. A lot to take in.”

Well, that was putting it mildly.

“Do you guys think he might get his memories back?” 

“Um… I don’t know, kiddo…,” Morality replied hesitantly. “I don’t think he did the last time this happened… So…”

Thomas ran a hand through his hair, messing it up.

“Geez,” he said before turning back to Janus. “I’m really sorry this happened, Janus. I… I don’t even know what to say.”

Janus looked at his host, giving him an uncertain shrug.

“I mean, it sucks, but it is what it is, I guess?” he responded. “I’d rather know what’s going on, but you guys can fill me in?”

He paused, taking a deep breath in.

“And maybe this is for the best, anyway,” he spoke shakily. “Being Survival’s better than being Deceit, right…?”

It felt wrong as he said it, like a betrayal to himself, but he wanted to comfort his host. And he couldn’t really do much about it, anyway. Plus, being Survival, part of his function was being able to adapt to the circumstances, even if they were less than ideal. If these were his circumstances, he would just have to adapt and do his best to keep going, memories or not.

But he was met with two expressions of horror and one of restrained surprise (courtesy of Logan).

“No, no, kiddo, don’t say that!” Morality protested. 

“Janus, I know you don’t remember, but I had already decided to accept you before this happened,” Thomas explained. “You’re a part of me, and you’re important. You have worth. Even as Deceit.”

“It is true that Thomas would be unable to function without the capability to lie,” Logan added. 

“Oh… uh. Alright, then…”

There was a strange feeling in Janus’s chest. Something about it was light and fluttery, but there was also a heaviness in the middle. He had the sense that they were telling the truth, part of being Deceit, but he didn’t seem to believe them. Even though, without memories, he didn’t have any basis not to. 

“Well, maybe my memories will return, then,” he suggested with a light smile.

“Hopefully.”

_ Hopefully? _


	5. Chapter 5

Things all seemed strange now in the mindscape. Very little of it was exactly the same as he remembered, and the sudden changes (for him, at least) were still difficult, throwing him for a loop at just about every turn. At least Heart- No, Morality- and… Logic were trying to help him. Roman seemed to be only tolerating his presence, Virgil had been avoiding him (or glaring), and he hadn’t even met Remus yet. Though, he had been assured that was a good thing. Not that he knew why. 

He missed King. Now that he knew who he was and had spent a bit of time with the other side, he saw pieces of King in Roman, but he just… wasn’t him. Sometimes, he tried to pretend that it was because so much time had apparently passed and not that King was gone. That lie wasn’t too hard to make himself believe, for short periods at least. Morality and Logic were very different from Heart and Thoughts, after all. But then Roman would do something that reminded him so much of King, but it was wrong, he  _ did it wrong _ , not the way King would have done it, even if it was something he would do. And then he would remember that this Creativity wasn’t really him. 

He wondered if this Remus was any more like King. Did  _ he _ remember anything? The others seemed to not want him to talk to the other side, but he really wanted to anyway. Janus just couldn’t seem to find the side’s bedroom. 

Janus was helping Morality clean up after breakfast when the other side asked him if he wanted to help him bake some brownies. The request brought a smile to his face, as he was glad that the side remembered they were one of his favorites. The two of them used to bake together all the time, and he was glad that was still a thing. 

“So, what should we sprinkle on top?” asked Morality. “There’s walnuts, chocolate chips, and M&M’s.”

“M&M’s!”

“Alright, kiddo.”

Janus smiled at Morality as the other side opened the bag of chocolate candies. He handed the opened bag to Janus so he could sprinkle them on top of the raw brownie batter before the tray was slid into the oven. 

Patton’s own smile shifted to something nostalgic, and a bit sad, as he fiddled with the kitchen timer.

“I’m glad we were able to bake again, Janus,” Morality told him, setting the timer down. “Before Virgil joined us, I didn’t really have anyone to bake with for a while…”

Janus’s own smile faded completely.

“What do you mean?”

“Ah, well, Roman and Logan aren’t really into baking, you know?” Morality answered, missing the point of the question.

“No- I mean…,” Janus tried to correct. “When was the last time you and I baked together?”

Now, Morality’s smile was completely gone, too.

“...Probably whatever you remember the last time being, kiddo…,” he responded. “After you lost your memories... the first time… we didn’t...”

“... Oh.”

Morality observed his face for a moment before his own eyes widened slightly.

“I’m not trying to say I’m  _ glad _ you lost your memories again!” Patton suddenly exclaimed. “It’s not that! I’m just glad we could bake together again!”

He was waving his arms in the air in front of them, as if that would clear the air of any misunderstandings.

“... It’s fine, Heart. I get it.”

Except Janus really didn’t get it. He knew that the others apparently didn’t  _ like _ Deceit very much, but he couldn’t remember the reason why. 

“Kiddo…”

Janus realized he had crossed his arms defensively, curling in on himself a bit.

“... I just… what did I...  _ do _ ..?” Janus asked the other side. “I don’t remember, but I know you guys didn’t like whoever it was I’ve been all these years…”

Morality looked heartbroken.

“No, no,  _ kiddo _ …,” he tried to protest before sighing. “Why don’t we sit down and have a little father-son chat?”

“... I’m not your child?”

“You’re all my children! Now, let’s sit.”

With a sigh of his own, Janus settled into one of the chairs at the table, while Morality sat across from him.

“Okay, so I think we should start with what happened when we were kids…,” Morality began. “But before we do, I want to tell you that I still care about you, kiddo. Even when you remembered being Deceit, okay?”

“... Okay...?”

Patton took a deep breath in.

“Okay. Well,” he stumbled. “You lost your memories a little before Thomas turned 8, when you shifted into Deceit. Creativity split soon after, and then Anxiety formed after you continued to lose some of your functions… But you lost your memory before that happened, so Deceit knew Remus and Virgil…”

He paused.

“At first, the shift was slow. You just… started telling Thomas to lie all the time, and I thought that was wrong, so we would fight about it…,” continued the side. “One day, we had a really big fight, and afterward, you didn’t come out of your room for a day or two. And when we went to check on you…”

Morality fiddled with the sleeves of his cat hoodie, stalling before telling this part of the story. 

“You had changed,” he said finally. “You said you didn’t know who we were, and you looked completely different, so since your function had fully shifted by then, we thought you might have been a new side… But your room was still there, so…”

At first, Janus didn’t know what Morality meant by looking completely different, because they all looked like Thomas, but then he remembered. The scales. Right.

“But it wasn’t just your appearance or your memories…,” Morality added. “You were… scarier. And a lot more insistent about getting your way. So, the fights got even worse, which made Creativity split since he was so conflicted about where he stood on the issues.”

He took another deep breath in.

“And then, the mindscape itself split soon after Virgil formed,” said the fatherly side. “It’s just… We know better now, but back then, we thought he was even scarier than we thought you were… But he was formed mostly from parts of  _ you _ , so you were really protective of him…”

He was protective of the purple side? The side who kept  _ hissing _ at him?

“After another fight, you took Virgil and Remus to another part of the mindscape, and we stopped interacting with each other. Roman started calling you guys the Dark Sides and us the Light Sides…,” Morality told him hesitantly. “I’m sorry, kiddo… for a long time… we… I… really thought you guys were bad. I realized I was wrong about Virgil soon after he started showing up again, but I was still… scared of  _ you _ … and what you would make Thomas do…”

Patton wouldn’t look him in the eye.

“At least, until recently…”

Janus wasn’t sure what to think about this. He didn’t remember any of this, so it was like Patton was telling a story about someone else. But he knew how he  _ felt _ about it, and it wasn’t good.

“... Well, what changed, then...?”

“Well… I… did some things I’m not proud of…,” answered Morality. “And I needed to learn how to be less strict with Thomas… You… taught me that I was taking things too far…”

“... Too far…?”

Morality, somehow, started to look even guiltier than he already did.

“That’s… we can talk about that later, kiddo…,” he avoided answering. “But remember how Thomas said he had started to accept you? That’s why. Um…”

Morality looked around the kitchen for a bit before continuing. Janus wished he would stop stalling.

“You and I actually started to get along better… Logan was mad at you for a bit, but you two resolved it… uh… Roman’s still kinda mad about what happened, but I think he’s actually more upset with himself than you…,” Morality rambled. “Um. And Virgil… Well, um, I’m not really sure what happened between you two, actually, but he’s… still pretty mad about whatever it was…”

Another deep breath.

“And then we fought again. Right before you lost your memories,” he explained. “It was kinda… Roman made a joke about you, and it was kinda mean, and you got mad, and it turned into a huge rehash of a bunch of old arguments. And then you left, and the next morning… There you were in the kitchen, without your memories again.”

Patton looked like he wanted to cry, his eyes getting wet in the corners.

“I-I’m sorry, kiddo… I didn’t want this to happen, not again…,” he spoke shakily. “I thought… I thought we could maybe be friends again, but…”

“Oh.”

He didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t tell whether he should forgive Patton or stay mad at him because he didn’t know exactly what was said in the argument. He didn’t know who did or said what. But he did know that this just confirmed that the others weren’t fond of him. It seemed like Thomas tolerated him, Patton was trying to make up with him, and the others just plain didn’t like him. 

“Are you okay, kiddo?”

It was fine. Why be sad about something he didn’t even remember?

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just… a lot to think about.”

Morality stared at him for a moment before nodding uncertainly.

And then the timer went off, and the two of them went back to pretending everything was okay.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter is really short. The last one was pretty long I think, though, so. 

The day after Janus and Patton made the brownies, Janus was spending time with Logic in the living room. Or, Logic was reading a book in the living room while he more-or-less stared at him because he didn’t know what else to do.

“... Janus. Can I help you with something?” the other side asked after about 20 minutes of staring.

“Um. No.”

“Then why have you been staring at me?”

He shrugged.

“I don’t know.”

Logic let out a small sigh.

“If you’re bored, it would make sense to do something instead of staring at me,” he pointed out.

“I… I know that. I just…,” Janus started. “I don’t know what to do?”

“We don’t have any particular responsibilities right now, so just start a leisure activity,” Logic responded, thinking he was asking if he had any tasks he had to do.

“But. What  _ do _ I do?” Janus questioned. “I don’t remember, and my childhood interests aren’t as… appealing anymore.”

“Well, you  _ are _ an adult now. It makes sense that your interests would have shifted since you were 7,” returned Logic.

“But I don’t know what they shifted  _ to _ !”

Logan observed him for a moment.

“Well, I don’t know very much about your current interests, either,” he responded. “Even after you started showing up more, you have still been rather reclusive. I do believe I’ve seen you reading a few times, though, so if you would like to join me, you can go get a book.”

“... Okay.”

He sank into his room to quickly select a book and returned to the living room with it. Logan looked up at him as he did so.

“Philosophy? Do you think that will interest you?”

Janus shrugged. 

“I mean, it was on the bookshelf in my room, so I must like it, right?”

Logic scanned him for a moment again.

“I suppose it does seem like the kind of thing you would like.” 

Janus settled down beside the other side. Surprisingly, however, Logan didn’t immediately return to his book.

“Actually, I’ve been considering something recently,” he spoke. “Concerning your amnesia.”

“Hm?”

“You’ve been a lot more honest since losing your memories, even though you do still seem to represent lies and deception. I don’t believe you’ve been  _ entirely _ honest, but you’ve probably been about as honest as an average person,” Logan explained. “I’m still unsure, but it does lend support to my theory that this development is due to a shift in the prioritization of your functions.”

“Oh. How much  _ did _ I lie before, exactly?”

“Hm. Quite a lot,” said Logic. “Though, much of it wasn’t direct lying. It was largely sarcasm and deception. But for reference, you apparently had trouble telling the truth about what color Thomas’s shirt was.”

“...  _ Really? _ ” 

Logic nodded.

“Oh.”

“We’ll have to look into this further. I still don’t know why you appear to be the only side that loses memories when your functions shift,” he continued. “My own functions have changed quite a bit over time, yet I’ve never experienced even brief amnesia. Though, it is possibly due to your functions seeming to change a but more abruptly than everyone else’s…”

And while Logic rambled about his theories, Janus, once again, found himself thinking that this change was actually for the better.


	7. Chapter 7

“I just don’t understand  _ why _ Olaf’s love wasn’t enough to save Anna!” Roman exclaimed with a huff.

For the ninth time.

“... Why are we watching this movie if you don’t like it?” 

“What are you talking about? I love this movie,” Roman answered. “And besides, it’s a crime that you don’t know what Frozen is! I’m sure even you would find that a tragedy”

“Did I even watch this movie before? It doesn’t seem familiar at all.”

“I’m sure you have! What would you know, anyway? You don’t  _ remember _ anything!”

Janus wasn’t sure exactly what was going on. At first, Roman had begrudgingly accepted his presence because he didn’t remember anything, and he was usually on the snippier side with him. But today, when Roman started talking about Frozen, Janus asked him what it was. And then any anger Roman seemed to have toward him at the the time shifted into disbelief about not knowing what Frozen is. 

And so, the princely side had declared that he would have to show Janus Frozen and any other Disney movies that had come out since they were children. The others were all busy today (or, in the case of Virgil, doing absolutely anything to avoid him), so that just left him and Roman alone together to watch Disney movies in the living room. 

“... If you like this movie, why do you keep yelling about it?”

“I’m yelling about it  _ because _ I love it!”

“... Okay…”

Janus glanced at the screen for a second, where the credits had just started to play, signifying that the movie was over.

“Well, I guess I’ve seen Frozen now,” Janus said awkwardly. “I guess I should… go do something now.”

Roman’s head snapped toward him.

“What?! No, there’s still a bunch of movies you  _ have _ to watch!” Roman insisted.

“Um… but…”

Janus still didn’t really get why Roman was watching  _ anything _ with him, let alone telling him to stay. He was under the impression that Roman very much did  _ not _ want to do that.

“But what, Jack the Fibber?”

“... Nothing.”

Roman sighed and flopped back to rest back on the couch.

“Oh  _ come on _ , you’ve already started saying it.  _ What? _ ”

Oh, great, he made Roman go back to being mad at him. Again.

“... Why do you  _ want _ to watch movies with me when you don’t like me?” he asked finally. “You could just watch them by yourself.”

Roman blinked at him.

“Wow, okay. First of all, watching movies is more fun with other people because it creates an audience for my  _ wonderful _ commentary,” Roman explained. “And second, it’s not that I don’t…  _ like you _ , per say.”

Janus tilted his head slightly.

“Look, Lies and Dolls, I never really  _ hated _ you or anything,” Roman continued. “It’s just… I used to actually think you were nice, and when I realized that a lot of the nice things you said were lies… it… well, it hurt my feelings. ...Plus, I didn’t want to keep siding with the villain…”

_ The villain _ …

“Besides, there’s no point in dealing with all that right now,” Roman kept talking. “At first I thought you were lying, but it’s clear now that you actually don’t remember any of it. Being mad at you when you can’t even remember what happened… just makes me feel… not so glittery. And I wasn’t around yet when you were like this, so I don’t even really know  _ you _ , so…”

Ah. Right. He was mad at  _ Deceit _ . 

And he wasn’t Deceit. At least, not really?

The thought left a bitter taste in the back of his throat. 

“Alright. So, what movie are we watching next?”

Roman’s face shifted to an excited smile.

“I’m glad you asked! This next masterpiece is called Moana…”

It left a bitter taste, but maybe this amnesia really was a good thing after all.


	8. Chapter 8

Janus was staying up late, sitting in his room, when another side he had never seen before suddenly appeared in the corner.

“Deeeeee!” the figured whined. “It’s been forever since you’ve come to visit me! I’m so boooooored!”

Janus blinked, confused for a minute before he figured out who the other side was.

“Oh, you must be Remus!” he exclaimed.

“Uh, yeah, who else would I be? Roman?” Remus confirmed, putting his hands on his hips. “What, did beetles eat your brain or something.”

What?

“Um. No.”

“So, why haven’t you come to visit me?!” Remus demanded. “I have so many ideas I have to show you!”

“Oh, sorry,” Janus apologized. “Well. I have amnesia from an unknown cause at the moment. I didn’t know we had plans. Um. The others kind of hinted for me to stay away from you…”

“Those jerks! I’m gonna chew on their intestines! Or unleash killer chihuahua wasps on them!” Remus exclaimed, throwing his arms around. “Or write them a strongly worded email! Full of bees!”

Janus honestly wasn’t sure what the other side was talking about, and he felt like the other’s words should scare him, but instead, he felt a sense of… familiarity?

“Oh. Wait. Amnesia,” Remus suddenly stopped ranting and turned back toward him. “So you don’t remember anything?”

“Nothing from after Thomas was 7.”

“So, you don’t remember me.”

“I’m afraid not.”

Remus stomped his foot.

“That’s not fair! You’re my friend! Whatever they did, those stupid Light Sides don’t get to keep you!”

“Um. I don’t think they did anything,” Janus attempted to calm the other man. “But we can… still be friends, if you want.”

“Really?!”

“Um. Yes?”

Remus’s face shifted into a wide, scary grin as he took Janus by the hands.

“Great! Let’s go see the vampire zombie swans I made then! Ooo, and plague squids!” he chattered. “And I have to show you the new weapons I made! They’re all pointy and deadly.”

Remus leaned in toward him conspiratorially.

“One of them has to do with butts,” he spoke as if he was sweetening a deal. “Come on, let’s go!”

“Oh. Right now?”

“Yup!”

“... Okay, then…”

His mind was telling him that, as Survival, he should probably not go with the strange man who wanted to show him undead bird monsters, but oddly, he found that his mind wasn’t ringing the warning bells like it should be. It must be because he wasn’t really Survival anymore, and now that his initial panic about losing his memories had died down- and now that he didn’t control fight or flight anymore- his reactions to things were calmer. 

Or maybe it just felt nice that someone appeared to actually miss him.


	9. Chapter 9

He awoke one morning to the sound of knocking on his door. 

“Heya, kiddo, are you up? I just wanted to talk real quick.”

Ah. Heart. Morality. Patton? Morality. 

“One second!” he called back.

As he rolled out of bed, he snapped his fingers so that his pajamas were replaced with his star t-shirt and jeans. And then he opened the door to see that Morality was, in fact, standing on the other side.

“Good morning, kiddo!” the other side greeted cheerfully. 

“Good morning.”

“I just wanted to tell you that me and the others are going to be gone today to record a video with Thomas,” Patton told him. “Sorry, but we decided it was probably best for you to not appear in the videos until we see if you’ll get your memories back at some point.”

Patton looked a little guilty for a second before rejuvenating his smile.

“But don’t feel bad, okay, kiddo? We don’t all always appear in the videos anyway!” Patton continued. 

Janus looked at him with a confused expression.

“Um… okay…,” said Janus. “But what are these videos you’re talking about?”

“Oh my gosh, did we really never tell you?!” Morality exclaimed in shock. “I’m sorry, it must have slipped my mind, and I thought you knew! You see, Thomas is a YouTuber. And one of his video series includes us in it.”

“Oh… I… think… I have a sense of what Youtube is…”

And then, Morality’s eyes grew wide, along with his smile.

“Oh, I just had an idea!” he shouted excitedly. “The videos! Maybe watching them will help jog your memory!”

Janus blinked at him while Morality took out his phone.

“Here, you can borrow my phone!” he offered. “And you can start watching them while we’re gone! So, this is how you open the app…”

The other side quickly explained how YouTube worked and pulled up the playlist of Sanders Sides videos before skipping off to help Thomas. 

Janus slowly closed the door to his room, dread settling into his stomach at the thought that Morality’s idea might work. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so, in case y’all wanna see, a while ago, I doodled Janus in his outfit for this story (it’s the one on the left side of the page):
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CHwFSgZhgj6/?igshid=yld6x50cguvi

Janus had watched over half of the videos while the others were gone. He’d seen that the earlier videos were a lot shorter than the newer ones. Unfortunately- or perhaps, fortunately- they didn’t seem to be helping him remember anything so far. 

Which was mostly because he didn’t seem to actually be  _ in _ any of these videos. There were some discussions that included lying, which was supposedly his whole thing now, but he still hadn’t made an appearance. Well, he must make an appearance  _ eventually _ , or Morality probably wouldn’t have thought it would help.

It was strange, though, watching Thomas and the other sides interact in the videos. He felt like it gave him a clearer understanding of who they were. They altered his old perceptions of Morality and Logic, and it gave him a better understanding of who Roman was. The videos were also his only real source of information about Virgil other than anger. At first, the Virgil in the videos was much like the one he knew, all angry and hissing, though his hoodie was different. But slowly, Virgil opened up to Thomas and the others, and he started to become less scary and angry. That must be what Morality had been talking about before. He did notice that the two of them seemed to be pretty close. 

He still didn’t have any hints for why Virgil hated him so much, though. Or, really, any hints at all about why the others weren’t so fond of Deceit. 

But before he could finish the videos, the others returned, and it was time for dinner. He emerged from his room a few minutes after they returned and made his way to the kitchen.

And there, he found Virgil.

Usually, Virgil would hide in his room right until Morality went to get him for dinner, eat in angry silence, and then leave as soon as possible. Janus knew that he was the reason, and he knew that the others had been worried about it, especially Morality. But what could he do? Not eat? 

But, there was Virgil, standing in the kitchen and having what seemed to be a pleasant discussion with Patton. Right until he noticed that Janus was standing there. 

As soon as he was noticed, he received another one of Virgil’s death glares that simultaneously made him feel like the worst person in the world and also like he was facing down the barrel of a gun. 

But Virgil didn’t say anything. Instead, Morality turned toward him with a hesitant smile on his face. 

“Hey, kiddo, why don’t you go wait in the living room with the others?”

He wanted to. He wanted to leave, to escape from Virgil’s gaze and the feelings they gave him. He wanted to pretend things were fine, pretend he wasn’t the reason that Virgil hid in his room, the reason Morality was worried. He wanted to pretend that he wasn’t the problem. But he knew he was. 

So instead, he stood his ground.

“I…,” he started, his voice small. “I… I don’t remember what I did, but… but I’m sorry.”

And he  _ was _ sorry. Though, he was more sorry for upsetting them than he was sorry for whatever he did, since he couldn’t be properly sorry for something he didn’t even remember.

An apology was apparently the wrong thing to say, as Virgil’s stance suddenly shifted from anger to  _ absolute rage _ .

“ **YOU’RE** **_SORRY?!?!_ ** ” he shouted. “ **YOU- WHAT RIGHT DO YOU EVEN** **_HAVE_ ** **TO BE** **_SORRY?!?!_ ** ”

The other side’s voice had changed, sounding like a series of distorted echoes layered on top of each other. It was  _ terrifying. _

“ **ALL YOU DO IS** **_LIE_ ** **AND** **_MANIPULATE PEOPLE_ ** **AND- UGH! I CAN’T** **_STAND_ ** **YOU!** ”

“Kidd-”

“ **AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID!! ASSUMING THIS WHOLE CHARADE ISN’T JUST ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR** **_LIES_ ** **!** ”

“I-”

“ **NO!** **_SHUT UP!!_ ** ” Virgil continued to scream. “ **YOU- YOU DON’T GET TO PULL ALL THAT** **_SHIT_ ** **AND- AND JUST!** ”

Tears started to form in Virgil’s eyes, and it was only then that Janus realized he already had tear tracks streaming down his face. 

“ **YOU- YOU DON’T GET TO JUST- JUST-** **_FORGET_ ** **EVERYTHING! THAT’S NOT** **_FAIR!!_ ** ” 

His heart was beating faster and faster. All he wanted was to run, but his feet wouldn’t move. 

“Virgil,  _ please- _ ”

“ **YOU CAN’T JUST- JUST!** ” Virgil’s own tears were freely falling now. “ **YOU CAN’T… you can’t** … just  _ leave _ like that…” 

As Virgil’s voice finally faded back to normal, the side collapsed onto the floor and began to flat-out  _ sob _ , but Janus didn’t actually notice. He was still terrified, and his sight was blurred by tears, and his heartbeat was still getting faster, and he couldn’t quite get his lungs to work right.

He felt a hand touch his shoulder and he jerked away, shouting out another apology before sinking into his room.


	11. Chapter 11

XXX

Even once he was in his room, it was a long time before he got his breathing under control. It felt like an eternity before his lungs stopped burning, before he could finally take a full breath in. 

And once that was finally over, he just felt so  _ exhausted _ , and all he wanted to do was hide away from everything. 

But then he realized that someone was knocking at his door and talking. He couldn’t quite tell who it was, though.

He ignored it.

The knocking kept going for a while longer, though it eventually stopped after what was probably five minutes but felt like an hour. Janus finally let himself relax a bit after he heard footsteps retreating down the hall.

For a while, he just laid on his bed, curled up in the center, but the silence soon started to feel like it was smothering him. Then, when he moved to get up, his hand brushed against the smooth surface of a screen, and he remembered that he still had Morality’s phone. He should probably return it, but he had no desire to leave his room anytime soon, and now, he felt like he  _ had _ to watch the rest of the videos.

They would give him some answers, right?

And so, he unlocked the phone and entered the YouTube app before settling back into bed to watch.

After watching a few more videos, Janus began to wonder if he was really in any of them after all. It certainly didn’t seem like it.

And then he got to ‘Can Lying be Good?’, and he thought that,  _ surely _ , he must appear in this video. He’s Deceit, right? So why wouldn’t Deceit be in the video all about lying?

Initially, he’d been tense with anticipation as he waited to see himself on screen. That anticipation, however, started turning into confusion and disappointment once the video was half-over, and he still hadn’t made an appearance. After that, he gave up on the idea that he was in this video

But he had been so absorbed in waiting to see himself that he hadn’t noticed how strange Morality was acting throughout the video.

After the reveal, Janus could only stare at the screen in shock. 

He had been there the entire video.  _ Disguised as Morality _ . Perhaps he should have expected something like that. He was  _ Deceit _ after all. 

Yes, he was Deceit. And he saw how upset everyone was at his appearance. He saw the way he silenced Logic before revealing himself. He watched himself cruelly trick Thomas, watched himself insult Virgil and Roman. He stared at his own scale-covered face and found himself taken aback by the amusement he found there. He took  _ pleasure _ in upsetting the others.

He felt his stomach fill itself with lead.

Once that video was over, he moved on to the next ones, blankly watching the screen as the videos mostly returned to just the main four sides. He made a brief appearance or two, though, and no one was happy to see him. 

And then he got to ‘Selfishness vs. Selflessness’. 

That video was even worse than the last one he played a major role in. All he was doing in this video was antagonizing everyone, and having fun doing it. And Thomas was so  _ miserable _ the entire time, and it was all his fault. 

He turned off the phone after that.

He had his answers, after all.

_ He really was the villain. _

XXX


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter is like, REALLY short, so I’m gonna post the next one, too, but it’ll be a few minutes before I do that.

By now, the sides recognized the feeling of another side ducking out.

When it happened, they were all (minus Remus) sitting in the living room in silence, each one trying to figure out what to say.

As soon as that subtle feeling settled over them, however, Patton burst into tears, and Virgil bolted up from the couch before charging down the hall. In less than a minute, he was banging on Deceit’s door.

“DECEIT, YOU  _ FUCKING _ ASS, OPEN THIS  _ FUCKING  _ DOOR!”

But there was no answer, and Virgil kept on knocking and yelling.

It wasn’t long before the others caught up with him and told him to stop, though. Instead of continuing, then, Virgil tried to sink into the room in front of them, but it didn’t work. 

“FUCK!! THAT DAMN FUCKING SNAKE!!” Virgil hissed loudly, ignoring Patton’s cringing at the use of profanity. 

He ran his hands through his hair roughly in distress.

“Virgil-”

Virgil moved his piercing gaze toward the others.

“We need to get Thomas.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Wait, Deceit ducked out?!” Thomas exclaimed.

“Yeah, ugh- Fuck!” Virgil cursed. “I wasn’t-”

Thomas could see that Virgil was distressed, so he figured that the anxious side probably wasn’t going to be the clearest source of information. Shifting his gaze, Thomas saw that Patton was sobbing, and Roman was trying to comfort him. So, he turned to Logan, hoping that the logical side would be able to explain.

“Guys, what happened?”

Logan let out a small sigh before he began.

“It seems that Deceit has disconnected himself from the rest of the mindscape, just as Virgil did in the past,” he began. “Roman and I weren’t in the room, but it seems that he and Virgil had some kind of argument, and Deceit was scared when Virgil used his Voice.”

Virgil was fiddling with his sleeves in agitation.

“I didn’t think he’d fucking duck out!” Virgil hissed. “I was just mad! Fuck!”

“Try to calm down, Virgil,” Logan instructed. “Thomas, we need you to get into Deceit’s room.”

“Um. Alright. So, I have to think about lies, right? I can do that.”

But before he could start, Thomas felt the arrival of another side.

“WHAT DID YOU BUTTHOLES  _ DO?!?!”  _

And then he had to dodge a throwing star.

“Holy shit!”

“Ah. The Duke’s here again.”

“DEE’S FUCKING- HE!” Remus shouted. “WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!”

“Bro, chill it!” Roman scolded.

“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO  _ CHILL _ WHEN-”

“Remus,” Logan cut in, his voice even. “We are currently in the process of trying to solve the issue. We need Thomas to get into Deceit’s room.”

They could see Remus gritting his teeth, appearing to be holding back another shout or violent impulse. 

“ _ Fine _ ,” he growled. “Let’s get going then, fuckers! But if  _ anything _ happens to Dee, I’m gonna throw you all in a pit of tarantula pigs!”

Thomas had to take a few deep breaths to calm down from Remus’s sudden appearance. He didn’t want to end up in Virgil’s room, after all. But, once he was as calm as he could get under the present circumstances, he filled his mind with all the lies he could remember telling.

And then he felt a pull, and they were standing in the middle of a room Thomas had never seen before. The walls were a pale yellow, and the floor was covered in a shaggy, white rug. Most flat surfaces in the room were covered in potted plants, with vines snaking around beams on the ceiling. 

Janus was laying in his bed, curled up under the covers.

“DEE!”

Remus charged forward and jumped onto the bed, causing the figure within the blankets to immediately shoot up.

“HOLY- Remus, what are you doing?!” he yelped.

“WHAT AM  _ I _ DOING?!” Remus exclaimed. “WHAT ARE  _ YOU _ DOING?!”

Janus looked down toward his sheets, avoiding Remus’s gaze. He clearly hadn’t noticed that Remus wasn’t the only one in his room.

“I...”

“You  _ can’t _ do this, Dee,” Remus continued. “I  _ can’t _ lose you.”

“Wh-”

“Deceit.”

He flinched as he heard the voice, looking up momentarily before averting his gaze again.

“Um. I…,” Janus mumbled, his voice small. 

Virgil stepped forward, and Janus huddled in toward himself.

“De-Janus. I..,” Virgil ran a hand through his hair before shoving them in his pockets. “Look. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. I’m just… still… upset about what happened in the past.”

Janus allowed his eyes to look up toward Virgil, who was shuffling awkwardly.

“Which, I guess… you don’t even remember…,” Virgil huffed. “Just… we can deal with all that later, but…  _ this _ isn’t the way to solve anything.”

Now, Janus tilted his head up to look at all of them directly, though he looked confused. Thomas stepped forward too.

“Nothing good comes out of doing this, buddy,” Thomas told Janus. “You’re a part of me, and we need you, even if we don’t all get along sometimes.

As a chorus of agreement came from behind them, Janus blinked at them. He looked at each of them before opening his mouth.

“I… um… That’s… nice, I guess?” he spoke slowly. “But I don’t know what you’re talking about? I’ve only been in here for like, a day?”

At that, Janus found them all staring at him. 

“What?”

“... Dee, you ducked out,” Remus told him, his voice shakier and quieter than any of them had ever heard it.

But Janus was still confused.

“What does that mean, though?”

And they all just stared at him again.

“Seriously, what did I  _ do? _ ” Janus questioned, starting to feel like he was being accused of something.

And then Virgil’s shoulders fell.

“Oh, thank fuck, it wasn’t on purpose…,” he mumbled.

But he still didn’t know what was going on.

“Deceit, when we refer to ‘ducking out’, we’re describing a side deciding to disconnect themself from the rest of the mindscape,” Logan explained finally. “When Virgil did it, Thomas stopped feeling any anxiety at all, and it caused… some problems. We noticed it more quickly this time, however, so the inability to lie hasn’t started to affect Thomas too much yet.”

“...Oh.”

They watched as Janus’s gaze lowered itself yet again.

“...But… What’s the big deal about that…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Okay, so, I like the head cannon that, if a side stays ‘ducked out’ too long, something bad happens- like they start fading away, or the others can’t enter their room anymore and they’re trapped there or they like hibernate or something. So, that’s why everyone’s freaking out so much. I left it vague about what exactly would happen, though)


	14. Chapter 14

At Janus’s words, the entire room froze.

“ **_WHAT._ ** ”

He shrank back at the sound of Virgil’s intimidating voice.

“I’m sorry!” he apologized quickly. “I just don’t get what the problem is! I didn’t mean to, but… isn’t it… better… if I’m not around…?”

At this, Patton burst into tears again.

“No…No... Kiddo…”

The moral side started to approach the bed, but Janus flinched, and Remus growled at him, making him stop in his tracks.

“Janus, buddy, why do you think it would be better if you weren’t around?” Thomas asked gently.

And then Janus’s own tears started to fall.

“Because… because I…,” he tried. “I know you all… all hate me, and-and I watched the videos… and now I know  _ why _ .”

He hid his face in his hands.

“I… I didn’t know I’m like that…,” he sobbed. “I’m sorry!”

When Janus felt arms wrap around him, he was surprised. Upon removing his hands from his eyes, he was even more surprised to find that it was  _ Virgil _ rather than Patton who was hugging him. 

“... You damn idiot snake,” Virgil hissed, though his tone was oddly soft.

Virgil pulled back to look him in the eye.

“Jan, literally  _ none _ of us hate you.”

“But-”

“No. Not even I hate you. I’m still angry and hurt, but I don’t hate you,” Virgil insisted. “The reason I was so upset earlier is because I was mad that you had forgotten everything. I was mad that you forgot what you did, but I was also mad that you forgot the good times… And I was scared that we might never be able to work things out because you  _ don’t remember _ . It wasn’t because I hate you.”

Janus stared back at him, having not expected such words from the side that he was most convinced he was hated by.

“... But I’m  _ evil _ …”

Everyone was silent again for a moment before Patton spoke up, speaking through his tears.

“Kiddo, did you watch  _ all _ of the videos?” he asked.

Janus shook his head.

“No. I stopped after the trial episode.”

The air in the room felt heavy.

“... I think you should watch the follow-up to that, kiddo…”

With that, Thomas took out his phone and pulled up the video, which they all started to watch in tense, sad silence. At first, Janus didn’t understand what the point was. It just seemed like Thomas was upset, and Morality was having a rough time. 

And then he appeared.

And he fought against Morality, but he was fighting to  _ help _ Thomas, and in the end, Patton was glad he had done so. Thomas was glad he did it. Thomas  _ accepted _ him.

He gave them his name. 

And when the video was over, he was pulled into another hug, this time by everyone.

“Come on, Janus,” spoke Thomas. “There’s a lot to work out, but we’re here for you, buddy. Okay?”

Janus nodded.

“Okay…,” he agreed, making everyone else sigh in relief. “But I don’t… I don’t know how to undo this. I don’t even know how I  _ did _ it.”

“Well, that certainly is a problem,” said Logan. “Virgil, do you remember how you did it?”

Virgil messed with his sleeves again.

“I don’t know… It just…  _ happened _ when we returned to Thomas’s living room,” he answered.

“I see. It may be that leaving your room restores your connection to Thomas,” Logan mused. “We should see if that works.”

Everyone looked to him, and he realized that Logan was speaking to him directly.

“Yeah. Okay,” Janus agreed.

And so, with a deep breath, Janus sank down and appeared in the living room with everyone else.

.

.

.

And then he blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Aaah, I’m sorry for leaving it on a cliffhanger again, but there’s only one chapter left, and I’m going to post it in the next few days...)


	15. Chapter 15

Janus returned to consciousness with the sound of panic surrounding him. 

He wasn’t sure what was going on at first, wondering why everyone was in his bedroom waking him up, but once he opened his eyes, he realized he was actually in Thomas’s living room. As he sat up, looking around in an attempt to figure out what all the activity was about, he found himself being knocked back down by both Patton and Remus at the same time.

He couldn’t understand their babbling, so he looked up to the others, who were staring at him with what appeared to be relief. That still didn’t really tell him anything.

“... Well, this certainly  _ isn’t _ a strange way to wake up.”

And then he watched their eyes widen. Patton and Remus fell still and quiet.

“What? Do I have something on my face, or have you all suddenly gained a fascination with staring at people?” he asked.

“Deceit… Janus, do you remember?” Thomas questioned.

_ Remember? _

“Is there something I’ve forgotten, Thomas?” Janus replied. “I don’t believe we were filming today, correct?”

Deceit still wasn’t sure what was going on, but he felt Patton shift, so he tilted his head down to look at him. As he did so, he saw his clothes.

“ _ What _ in the  _ world _ am I wearing?” he exclaimed in surprise. “I haven’t worn clothes like these since…”

Oh.  _ Oh. _ That’s right.

He’d done it again. 

And now he was back.

Well shit.

“Oh. Right,” he said awkwardly. 

“Jan, do you know what happened?” a voice asked.

He was surprised that it was Virgil who asked, and who asked it without a hiss. Though, now that the disorientation had worn off and memories of the past few weeks- and the past few hours in particular- floated through his mind, perhaps he shouldn’t have been so surprised.

Janus didn’t want to answer.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re referring to, Virgi-”

“No. Cut the bullshit,” the other side ordered. “What do you remember?”

Janus frowned, tapping his fingers against the fabric of the couch beneath him and trying to figure out some way to lie his way out of this. He really did want to lie, to just pretend like everything was back to normal, but he  _ did _ remember recent events, and he got the distinct feeling that, if he acted like he  _ didn’t _ remember them, something would go very badly.

He sighed. 

“I believe I remember everything,” he responded begrudgingly. “Who I am and all that. And I remember the past few weeks, too.”

He crossed his arms, not liking that he was being honest at the moment. 

“You remember being Survival again?” Patton asked.

He grimaced.

“No, no, I was still  _ Deceit. _ Just... with Survival’s memories.”

“Okay, but you  _ do _ remember not being… well, you?” Roman questioned. 

“I said I remembered the past few weeks, didn’t I?”

“But do you remember anything from the first time you lost your memories?” Logan chimed in. “This is now the second time you’ve lost significant portions of memory, and though it is fortunate that you remember it this time, your memories of the first time it happened could have a hint on how to prevent it recurring in the future.”

His tapping increased in tempo. The temptation to lie only increased, but the memory of feeling everyone’s arms around him shoved him toward the truth. Even still, he turned away from them as he spoke.

“It seems that I, unfortunately, have to be…  _ honest _ … with you all,” Janus sighed. “I already remembered being Survival before all this.”

He turned back for a moment to check their reactions. Then, he saw Virgil go to open his mouth, but he put up a hand to stop him.

“No, let me finish. I have to say it now before the regret kicks in,” he told him. “I remembered, but I didn’t remember for a while after it happened. I actually… didn’t remember until after Virgil left. I think our argument… reminded me. Of my arguments with Patton.”

“... Why didn’t you say anything, kiddo?”

Janus crossed his arms again, with his tapping moving to his sleeve.

“It seemed like it was too late to fix anything at that point,” he explained. “It wasn’t like I could really go back to being Survival again, so I thought it didn’t matter if you knew I remembered or not. It didn’t really…  _ change _ anything.”

Patton seemed to want to protest, but Virgil took the chance to voice his own thoughts.

“But you  _ did _ become Survival again.”

The urge to lie was only getting stronger. 

“... In a sense, yes.”

The room fell into an awkward silence as Janus fought with himself about whether he should say any more or not. He didn’t want to, and he feared what the others would think if he did, but he felt like trying to reach his lies, no matter how badly he wanted to get to them, was like swimming through molasses.

He felt  _ guilty _ for wanting to lie about this.

“Well, it seems that both times you lost your memory were sparked by having an argument with someone. Though, that might also trigger the memories to come back…,” Logan suggested. “We should, at the very least, keep an eye on you during any future arguments to hopefully prevent a repeat of this experience.”

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Oh, he couldn’t  _ believe _ he was about to do this.

“... No,” he stated. “No, that’s not it.”

“What do you mean?” asked Thomas.

“It isn’t  _ caused _ by the arguments,” Deceit clarified. “At least, not directly…”

“... Do you know what  _ does _ cause it, kiddo.”

He was going to regret this, wasn’t he?

“I did.”

“I believe you are going to have to give a fuller explanation than that, Janus.”

He looked up toward the ceiling, trying to keep himself from spouting off some theatrical lie and leaving.

“I gave myself amnesia. Both times,” he forced out. “It’s… If I lie to myself well enough, I can make myself believe whatever I want. Even if the lie is that I’m a different person.”

Ugh, he hated this.

“I think the first time was an accident. I was upset about fighting with Patton, and I ended up convincing myself that I was the villain… so I actually became the villain,” he continued to explain. “I didn’t remember I could do that until I regained my memories as Survival, though. I tried to do it again once I remembered, but it was too difficult that time… And then then this last time, I just… I felt like you all hated me again. And I didn’t really want to be here anymore, but I knew that ducking out would cause problems for Thomas…”

He forced himself to stop tapping.

“So the idea was that, if I only had my memories of being Survival, I didn’t have to be here, but I could still do my job,” he finished.

Janus couldn’t convince himself to look at them. He knew that, regardless of what they just told him, that they would hate him now. Who in the Hell gives themself amnesia because they can’t deal with an argument? He’d put them all through such a load of  _ crap _ , and all because he was a coward.

“Dee, you really are an idiot,” Remus declared softly, resuming his earlier attempts at a hug. “And if you ever do this again, I am  _ seriously _ going to tear you into little snake bits.”

“Seriously, dude, you have the absolute  _ worst _ conflict resolution skills, like,  _ ever _ ,” Virgil sighed, pinching his nose. “Maybe instead of  _ giving yourself amnesia _ , you could try  _ talking to us? _ The arguments wouldn’t even get so bad if we actually  _ resolved _ anything.”

Janus felt his face heating up.

“But yeah, I’m actually with Remus on this one,” Virgil continued. “Don’t do this again. We thought we lost you.”

“Yeah, Lyin’ King, I thought  _ I _ was the one who ran from my issues, but Jesus Christ.”

“It is a rather... ineffective... coping method.”

“Kiddo, we care about you. Being mad at you doesn’t change that, and it certainly doesn’t make us want you to be gone,” Patton told him. “I missed my friend, you know? And I don’t want to lose him again, either.”

Great. Now his face was red  _ and _ he was probably going to start crying again.  _ Fuck _ , where were his facades when he needed them?

He felt a new hand touch his shoulder.

“We really do want you here, Janus. All of you. Good and bad,” spoke Thomas. “I’m… I’m glad you’re back.”

Janus rubbed his eyes with his sleeve.

“Yes, well… I suppose I…  _ may _ have… overreacted a bit…”

“Ya think?”

He took a deep breath in. 

“Alright. I won’t give myself amnesia again,” he agreed. “But don’t expect me to be honest like this all the time. All this honesty is giving me a migraine. Or- isn’t. Is. Oh, whatever, you all get the point.”

Virgil nodded.

“Yeah, we get it.”

And maybe Janus was terrible at confronting his problems, but at least this was something. 

He knew that they would have problems again, that they would argue again, but they would be able to work it out, then, right? He doubted that the others would let him do the amnesia thing again, at least, so he would be forced into finding a different solution if circumstances repeated themselves.

Thomas smiled.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way, Bud.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there’s the end of this fic!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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